In this series investigating relationship, the number 1 cause of relapse in compulsive addictive eating, we will look at why that is, what is going on and how to do it different.
WHO AM I IN RELATIONSHIP?
The relationship with yourself is the foundation for your relationships with others.
1. How do I relate to myself? Primary perceptions, inner conversations, stories I tell myself about me
2. How do I change when I am around people or in interaction with them?
3. Who do I want to be?
RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES FOR ADDICTS AND COMPULSIVE EATERS.
___ Codependent/Excessively Independent
____Assess people in terms of threat/reward
____Experience social anxiety/fatigue
____Fearful of being hurt/abandoned /Security seeking
____Difficulty maintaining authenticity across roles and relationships
____High unrealistic expectations
____Looking for a simplistic, quick, complete, final fix
____Poor distress tolerance – leading to excessive reactivity or excessive allowance
Relationships are the alpha and omega of life, they are the very means by which we create life, whether or not we want it to be that way. Understanding that can bring us the clarity and motivation we need to create the circumstances in our lives that will feed our souls instead of us feeding our faces.
Everyone brings more than just themselves into their relationships. Historical experience in the forms of: trauma, family environment, educational and cultural conditioning and media presentation all contribute to how we expect others and ourselves to create relationship.
There is no experience that cannot be addressed and its impact on relationship modified. Awareness and presence with the arising feelings and experiences can integrate the old and release you to be fully engaged in choosing who you want to be in your current relationships.
Physical health also greatly influences how we will approach and engage relationships. In addition to obvious health issues, brain chemistry is the single biggest determinant of who you will be in you relationships. Addressing physical issues and brain chemistry is vital to better relationships.
As your brain chemistry is balanced you will experience many shifts in how you experience yourself and your relationships.
We will begin with 5 basic practices that will help you develop the best possible relationship with yourself and by that with others.
1. Metta Meditation – 4 expansive relationship ideas repeated for 4 people once a day
1. open to positive change in my relationships 2. free of fear in relationship
3. accepting of others 4. heart be open and truly loving
May I be ___________________________________________________________
May _________________ be ___________________________________________
(Easily cared for person)
(Acquaintance or less easily cared for person)
(Adversary or resented person)
2. Managing reactivity by exploration – guided audio
3. Basic brain chemistry interventions are below and should be added to any specific individualized interventions you have.
a. Supplementation – Omega 3, B Complex 100, Vitamin D, magnesium, Vit C
b. Increase whole foods, decrease processed foods, cut out non-foods
c. Activity – 3 happy rat activities and 3 relaxation periods /week
4. Quit complaining about yourself, to yourself or anyone else outside a supportive setting.
a. Move the bracelet from wrist to wrist when you realize you are complaining
5. Explore specific goals for yourself in relationship via mind mapping
4 main relationship aspect areas for each map care, attitude, physical, functional
4 actual current outcomes/action solutions for each of the outcomes; ie. Out of shape/walk
a. What is not optimal today b. How you would like it to be
Let your breath begin to deepen, long
Letting go of reactivity in relationships requires that we cultivate our ability to observe our life experience just as it is,
Rather than our interpretation which can be distorted by bad brain chemistry, unconscious and conscious memories, other people’s ideas, our level of fatigue and even what we ate for lunch.
When we can learn to be with what is just as it is without needing to change it we can open to new possibilities
We will simply and compassionately observe the realms of sensation, emotion and thought. These all continuously flow through you every moment of your life. The keys are relaxation, awareness and especially the willingness to simply release everything you observe.
As you continue to breathe easily and deeply, notice how you can relax just a little bit more right now, perhaps adjusting your position, softening your belly or loosening your jaw.
Let your awareness rest on the sensation of breath, in your nostrils or your diaphragm, when your attention wanders gently bring it back to rest in the observation of the breath.
What are you aware of right now? What sensations are present in your body right now? Take a moment and scan your body. Where are you noticing them? Then with the next breath allow your awareness to take in the emotions or thoughts that are flowing through your experience.
What are you aware of right now? What is most predominant in your experience. If you encounter a sensation, emotion or thought that captures your attention, just relax and open your body, taking a deep slow breath, then as it releases take in the next thing your observe.
Just observe don’t try to change what you are noticing just allow it to be there and move through you. For the next few minutes, let your awareness expand and take in everything you are aware of.
Let your breath gently deepen again. The linear rational left brain serves to compare, judge, seek understanding and solutions. The witness simply observes what is without preferences, the right wholistic compassionate brain simply takes in without grasping or pushing away anything. Acknowledge that part of your awareness that is deeply present spacious, deeply conscious of everything within you and around you.
You may notice the nature of your mind to interpret , to makes up stories and judge your experience. Don’t scold yourself if your mind begins to do that, celebrate that you noticed and bring it back to into the observer mode by breathing deeply.
Just for a moment feel who you are now, in the absence of comparison and judgement, free of the need to figure anything out, as the observer you can experience your life just as it is. In this way you can rest in your true nature, releasing the barriers to enjoyable relationship.